The Myth of Women and control

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My father couldn' save me from the experiences that hurt me, but he did wisely reassure me I’d never die from a broken heart. That helped me immeasurably in developing stamina through the tears, along with what I learned first hand about what I did and didn't want in future relationships.

However his disapproval of the relationships I chose to end, or which I wasn't interested in even considering to begin, caused some of the bitterest arguments between us and the damage lasted for years. Of course he wanted me to be happy, however it was according to the picture in his mind about how happiness could be achieved.

My mother did all she could to steer me into a career that seemed secure in her eyes. As a teenager I was considering art school and she strongly suggested I study as a medical illustrator when I refused to think about her idea that I become a Pharmacist. An ugly argument followed. When I was in my 2nd year of my Fine Arts degree she suggested I at least train as a teacher so that I could get a job when I graduated. That was good advise for the skills I learned while taking that 2nd degree, however the public school system felt like a noose on my spirit. I never got a full time teaching job much to her displeasure.

Throughout my years developing and facilitating Aziza Healing Adventures, my mother would somberly ask me about my plan 'B'. Finally in her last reflective years as she battled cancer, my mother recognized and shared that she could never do what I do, never live without the security of a paycheck, benefits and pension plan. She recognized and finally respected that I had a fundamentally different way of living than she did. It finally occurred to her that I wasn't wrong. She saw that I was making my happiness and admired my vision for myself.

It took most of my adult life to realize that rather than criticizing me, my mother was trying to protect me from her worst nightmare of uncertain future and financial insecurity, born from the rubble of her experiences in Germany in WWII. My mother couldn't save me from my true self-expression which from a conventional world perspective unwisely courts insecurity. I’m OK living on the unconventional edge. It’s my choice. It's my calling.

No matter how good your intentions, if you are too busy trying to run other peoples lives while you are not at all focused on meeting your own needs, no one wins. It is a guaranteed No-Win scenario.

Resentment breeds rampant in these martyred situations. Disappointment and misunderstanding thrive. Blame rides on the tail of guilt trips. Secret and sometimes unreasonable expectations drive wedges in relationships that pierce the flow of harmony.

When you do something you really don’t want to do, people can smell it from a hundred paces. And don’t think you’re beyond having strings all over your generous gesture. Just check in with your resentment meter for a glimpse of what’s really going on inside you when people don't co-operate the way they should with your brand of giving.

The picture in our minds that drives this engine of madness dictates:

I want you to do this because I believe it will make you happy. I need you to be happy so that I can be happy. So do what I tell you.

Or, I want to take care of/ rescue/ nurture you because then you will need me, and I will feel important and valuable. I will feel loveable.

Or, if you see how well I get the job done, how competent I am, then I will feel important, valuable, successful. I will feel that I am good enough. I am worthy.

That’s the rub. That’s the centre for control. It’s ultimately all about you and how you want to feel. It’s about your need to feel happy, loveable, worthy.

And it doesn't work! Are you happy yet? Are you there yet? Are you enough yet? The picture in your mind is the illusion that feeds your feelings of futility.

The GOOD NEWS is that there's a simple way out.

One of the most repeatedly sad moments for me as a therapist is how often women look at me in wonder when I suggest that it is an option to consider taking time to discover what their own needs are. It is a viable option to ask directly to get their needs met.

Just for a change of pace, as an experiment, why not simply focus on getting your needs met directly, find out what might make you happy, content, satisfied, relieved or whatever feeling it is you are reaching for through another person’s life.

My invitation is to all of you.

Take that bath, let someone else pick up the kids, cancel that appointment, say ‘No’ to the favour asked. When you realize the price is too high for you to keep a commitment dare to disappoint someone’s expectations- do it as an act of outrageous personal loyalty.

Ask yourself everyday, “What do I want?” and listen. It could be to sleep, to leave, to quit, to eat ice cream. It could be to buy that new shed, fix that broken thing, hire a helping hand, go to the party alone. It could be to cry, to call a friend, to adopt the pet you’ve always wanted.

Imagine all that delicious time and energy you'll have when you finally dare to mind YOUR OWN business!

Dialing your desires and needs into your daily life list of things to do is ultimately the best decision you can make.

It’s a magnificent role you can model to your children, family and friends.

Self-care is the best and healthiest use of your masterful control skills.

 

written by Aziza Healing Adventures founder, Laila Ghattas

November 2009/ email comments

 

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