The Myth of Women and control

written by Aziza Healing Adventures founder, Laila Ghattas

My good friend Louise Racine recently commented with surprise: It's because most women feel so out of control in their lives that they don’t recognize or identify with the idea of how controlling their actions actually are.

I was talking to her about my observations of busy women trying to get everything done, feeling responsible for everyone in their family, overstressed with obligations at work, taking on roles that rescue, protect, serve and nurture.

Some women feel victimized by their exhaustion, the insurmountable lists of duties; beaten down by the futility of their efforts to make other people happy.

It’s sadly ironic that many women feel out of control of their lives as a direct result of spending most of their time trying to control their environment and those around them. It’s a vicious cycle and causes deep discontent and discouragement, robbing women’s spirits of joy and satisfaction.

Women are getting stuck in DOING, rather than living. Their way of demonstrating love isn't getting the desired results.

The trap of this cycle is the often unconscious self-imposed agenda that dictates this belief:” I am the only one who can make my family happy, and/or get the job done right.”

Some women have created a specific picture that reflects that agenda and dangles like a carrot. An image of what happiness or achievement or success looks like for that family member, friend or colleague. A picture of what correct decisions look like, as if there’s only one way to paint that canvas.

The picture doesn't usually include conflict, disappointment, struggle or failure, so when those unexpected occurrences interfere with the image you’re trying to fulfill, you may dig into your resolve and try even harder to get back on that track.

The thing is conflict, disappointment and failure are part of our emotional and spiritual growth. They are necessary detours, teachers and disciplinarians in the maturing process. Closed doors point to open ones. Our way is not the only way.

It comes down to whether your actions honour or dishonour boundaries. My clients are shocked when I suggest that it’s the height of arrogance to think we know better for others than they do for themselves.

We certainly are entitled to an opinion, we’re just not necessarily entitled to share it at will. We’re definitely not entitled to insist that we’re right, even when we believe we are and that our way will guarantee better results.

Lessons learned from mistakes are part of a healthy integrated life. People are entitled to disagree with us, to not listen to good advise. It’s called Free Will.

Sometimes our noble intention to protect someone else is a disservice to the life process that their choice is taking them through. It’s not up to me or you to deny anyone their growth process, however painful it is to watch. The philosophy to Live and let live is at least worth at a try.

The respect inherent in the choice not to interfere in someone's life is awesome.

For example: How about taking a deep breath and give someone space to practice reaching out for help, a chance to dig in deep and dare to trust, hope, leap, rather than deny the person you love so much that life enhancing experience when you rush to take care of the situation.

How about trusting your friend to know what’s right for herself. How about showing your generosity by believing in your spouse enough to know what the best thing to do is. How about letting someone figure it out all alone, as you loyally silently stand by should help be requested.

Unless there are young children involved or it’s life threatening, it’s almost always none of our business what another person decides to do- about hair colour, boyfriend, décor, job, divorce, purchase, change.

Wanting to save someone the heartache from what you believe to be a poor decision may feel like a natural impulse, a good thing to do and the correct course of action, but it’s rarely ultimately in the best interest of the one you are intending to protect. NEXT