9/11In my Zen Painting and Poetry course at university we studied a series of paintings illustrating the process of domesticating the wild ox. They were a metaphor for the struggle of mastering the will of the ego. Many times I have felt the internal wrestling match between wanting to be right and wanting what is best in the bigger picture. It's a humbling, ongoing struggle that is actually getting simpler to surrender to as I get older. It makes being right here right now so much easier to be at peace with. On Sept. 11, 2001, I came home numb from work and walked over to my neighbour's house. She said that all day she had impulses to help people she drove by on the street, wanting to love them. Later I remembered a T.V. story I saw when I was a teenager in which Jewish parents of a student doctor explained their insistence on his medical training. They'd survived the holocaust and told him the only thing that can never be taken away was his knowledge, no matter what anybody did to him. His training would one day ensure his freedom and his education could not be taken away the same way material possessions could. It would be part of him. After Sept. 11 I wondered about the threat to my way of life in the face of the terrorist attacks. I considered what my personal retaliation could look like. It was my neighbour's words and that story that led me to a liberating and empowering epiphany. No one can stop me from loving. No one can stop me from choosing compassion and kindness. No one can stop me from clearing out the darkness in my own heart so that I do not continue to contribute to the negativity in the world. The way to win the battle was to stop adding to the continueum, cease fueling fear and anger in my own heart. True peace and harmony, inside and out, are hard fought for at every turn, every hour, every day. Grace does not deny my anger when I feel it; it informs and tempers it if I am willing. At the time I didn't realize that my commitment to clean house would become a whole new way of living. A diligent more wakeful way of being in this world where I now check my intention against my list of grudges, hurt, and irritation and hold my self accountable for hanging on. Be relentlessly demanding to be mindful of my bitterness barometer on things small and big, old and new. Old habits die hard. This is a humbling endeavor and I'm not always successful. Along with a sobering self honesty it has also brought me some of my sweetest and holiest experiences. This decision is a small way of transforming the sacrifice the thousands of victims and their families into a wake up call. And all those victims before and after them elsewhere in the world. When tough interpersonal situations arise, I invite Love itself to guide me. Without exception the path paved by Love has brought unexpected depth of understanding, reconciliation, and peace. My only explanation is that inherent in the sincerity of my invitation is the spontaneous surrender of my ego agenda and the simultaneous opening of my heart to a higher good. Triggers, hooks and attachments automatically shift to neutral, making room for compassion and patience while firm boundaries prevent the slide into martyrdom. I can only speak about what happens to me. It is an ongoing mystery of Divine alchemy and another encouraging demonstration of the application and implication of free will. Close friends with whom I shared this approach have also tried it, and note the same improbable positive results. I read somewhere that prayer is how we talk to God and intuition is how God talks back. The answers are to be found at my core, through the connection I am daily becoming more familiar with when I listen. There are no short cuts on the spiritual path, no quick or easy answers. The resulting paradox is that life is at once much easier and more demanding.
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